Too Much and Not Enough

Today officially marks the day that I have run out of the “I am happy for you” emotion. I absolutely cannot be happy for people and their accomplishments, their blessings and their progress in life for one more minute. I have been the supportive friend and the cheerleader for other people and their lives and I am pretty much on empty now.

This Sums Up the Problem with Society

At least Mr. Black Murano has the balls to say it.

First Days of Vacation

Fog City

Life in the Ghetto

Why do people feel the need to get louder and louder when they are congregating with friends? My neighbors had some guests tonight. Over the course of an hour and I am assuming with a couple of drinks or two…their conversation could practically be felt it was so loud. What started out as a dull roar had one hour into the gathering become an obnoxiously loud and raucous party. This entails a whole lot of cackling, clapping, hooting and hollering.

It’s almost like they have this unspoken understanding:

The one who is the loudest is the one having the most fun.

My take?

Stupid. Asses.

Season change please!

I am tired of summer. As mild as this summer has been for the most part…I long for shorter days, a blanket of fallen leaves on the ground and the smell of the cool morning mist in the air. Autumn is my favorite time of the year. The vibrant color of the trees as they prepare for winter is such a sight to behold. One of these days I will visit New England or somewhere on the East coast where pictures are taken of acres and acres of trees full of bright orange, gold and red leaves. Unfortunately, not this year though.

Not Always Pretty on the Inside

Emotions are Not Always Pretty. I am the first to admit that I don’t take kindly to change. That is unfortunate as the world and everything in it is continually changing. I somewhere along the line became quite resistant to change and that has been detrimental to my well being. It’s hard to move onto the unknown that is coupled with change most times. Living in fear of the unknown has kept my mentally, and physically in a place that isn’t healthy.

Also, I have found that I have been plagued by feelings of indecisiveness for a long time. Something as simple as ordering off a menu can be a time consuming process. I think that these emotions are probably indicative of deeper issues. I am hoping with some self-realization and introspection I can determine where these emotions stem from. Perhaps some therapy is in order…or maybe just copious amounts of anti-psychotics.

I hope that I experience a metamorphous. I hope that my life for the last several years has been me…in a cocoon healing and learning from the trauma that occurred in my life and past mistakes. I think that I have a better idea of what I want to accomplish, and the person that I want to be. Now, just bring those thoughts and ideas to fruition…

Weirdness

Ever had someone rub you the wrong way? I have a co-worker who doesn’t really do anything wrong….but she annoys the hell out of me. There is something about her that I can’t really put my finger on…but it’s off. She has a sing-song way of talking, ending every word with a little lilt at the end, first of all that makes me want to slap her. Secondly, she says shit like…..”I’m approaching you” as if I am skittish and need to be forewarned when someone is walking in my direction. Then there is the whole thing where she acts like she has this intimate secret with you when she is talking about something to do with work…she sidles up and low talks in my ear…and gives me a wink….it’s completely awkward. It’s not a sexual thing…just a weird thing. I can’t explain it…because basically she seems benign enough. Just one of those things I suppose.

Greener Grass

I have had the opportunity to see how the other half lives recently.

I have been house-sitting for my boss, who also happens to own the company. He has quite the nice existence. He isn’t obscenely wealthy…but he is way more than comfortable. He owns 3 homes..one in which he lives, a vacation home at the beach and a rental.

I would say that the house he lives in is probably 3-4 times the size of my home. That doesn’t even include the rec room or the garage. The house is surrounded by trees and is situated on 3 levels. It comes complete with 4 bedrooms and 4 full baths (the master bath has a Jacuzzi tub w/ bay window, separate shower, his and her sinks blah blah blah) formal living room, eat in kitchen, formal dining, foyer, family room, office and laundry room. The master suite is probably around 500 square feet or a bit bigger and it includes the office and the master bath and sitting area and walk-in closet. There are numerous sliders and doors that exit out to the deck that surrounds the entire property. The formal living room has a fireplace and is large enough to hold two grand pianos (yes two..a black one and a white one) sofa, love seat, a couple of chairs and a coffee table with plenty of room to move around. There is a large kitchen with island that leads to the formal dining room and the family room (which has an additional fireplace) On the second level is the rec room that holds the pool table, exercise equipment and a couple of couches, small fridge etc…it is about 400 square feet. The next level has the pool and Jacuzzi and ping pong table. There are 4 different sets of stairs leading to the different levels and an outside shower for the pool.

My family has been there for 4 days and will remain there for another week. We have been treating it like a staycation (stay at home/vacation) when I am off work. Soaking in the Jacuzzi, playing pool, ping pong or hide and seek in the dark. It’s not Paris…but it beats the hell out of the ghetto where I live.
Life is just easier with money. Hell, life is just easier in a house rather than an apartment. Just not having to go outside to a nasty common laundry room to do the laundry is a lovely concept.


I could get used to that life real quick.


But, I won’t.

Ego Auto

I wonder if BMW dealers have some sort of prerequisite list that sellers must agree to before purchasing their cars….such as:

Must be willing to weave in and out of traffic in hopes of gaining a 1.3 second lead on all other cars. (only to be stopped at the same traffic light as said cars).

Must be willing to tail gate all drivers in your way (see #1.

Must be willing to have random bursts of speed and short stops (see #1.

Must act like they are superior to other drivers and have a “My shit doesn’t stink” attitude.

Must be willing to run red traffic lights.

Must insist on turning left on a late yellow/red light, even if it means blocking the intersection and inconveniencing several other drivers.

I’m just sayin’

Different

This picture is of all the smoke in the sky because of the recent fires.

Seen Lately

That's the Truth

Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand. You ain't alone in that. But you been carryin' this one long enough. Time to go on. Lay it down.~Legend of Bagger Vance

Canopy

Nice

I couldn't help but laugh when I read this. A certain *cough* someone I know feels the same way.

Days Gone By

As I ventured into the living room this morning to watch a few minutes of the morning news while getting ready for work, I noticed a small pile of stuffed animal dogs on the floor. For a minute, I was transported back a few years to when my kids where younger. They would get together with friends and sit around in a group and play 'Dogs'. That was the name of the game. It was a role playing game where the dogs had names, personalities and roles. They had dogs of all shapes, sizes, colors and breeds. The kids were very particular about which dogs they wanted to purchase. Not just any dog would do. There was lots of inspection and critiquing of the facial features and expressions. Placement of the eyes, the ways the ears laid back, etc. The kids had no need for anything other than the dogs to make the game complete. No props were necessary to play this game. Hours would pass as they sat together in their circle evoking their imagination to transport them into their canine fantasy world. I get a little meloncholy when I think of those days and how they are now just a chapter in my memory book.

Couple of Reasons

Last night I was vegetating relaxing in the living room while my youngest was tuned into Deal or No Deal. In my opinion, the show is moronic, but it was on so I was passively watching (as if there is any other way to watch the boob tube really…I digress). There was a perky 19 year old girl ‘playing’ while wearing what I believe was a pink tennis outfit as she referred to tennis a couple of times, but to me it looked like a cheerleading outfit (reason # 1 to find her annoying). At one point in the show she was offered $239,000.00 dollars to walk away from the impossible possible payout of $1,000,000.00. Much to my horror she turned it down (reason #2). Although, I have to say it was enjoyable watching the amount of money she was offered continue to go down as the show progressed all the while calling her a stupid ass in my head. In the end she walked away with $83,000.00. That is still quite a tidy chunk of change. But I can’t help but wonder what goes through a persons head when they say “No, thank you, but a quarter of a million dollars is not enough for me….I came here to this show with jack shit, but I will pass on the ¼ mill”. Greed is not attractive.

What an Obnoxious Emotion

This was a weekend chock full of feelings of inadequacy. I would say that I have those feelings on most days…but it was magnified this weekend. I just had instance upon instance of the feeling that I don’t measure up and I don’t fit in. I try to not compare myself to others…really I do. There are days though that try as I might, I just can’t help it.

C'Mon!!

Although, I don't think that these two need introductions....Here are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on some red carpet event somewhere.



It should be criminal for two people to possess so many of the 'God really loves me' genes.

Audit-Kiss Me Arse

As a financial institution of sorts, my company is subject to internal annual audits and Department of Corporation surprise audits every 18 months are so. We just recently recovered from our internal audit and are currently being subjected to the DOC audit. These procedures usually drag on for a month or so. They consist of the auditor taking over the entire conference room and continually asking for this and that or wanting an explanation of this or that. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times we have had to have a single file pulled from storage because the auditor cannot get it together and have a list of files that they need. It is such a piecemeal operation. I understand that this is just part of the job, yet that doesn’t prevent the intense desire I have to throttle the auditor.

It's Only May for Crying Out Loud

It was 96 degrees here today. That is a wee bit out of my comfort zone. Okay, my true comfort zone would be about 20 degrees lower. I personally cannot stand the heat. It makes me downright cranky. I managed okay today though. I even had to walk home after dropping off my car to get my brakes done and then back to pick it up in the hottest part of the day. There was a breeze, albeit a very warm breeze, but a breeze nonetheless…so it was bearable. I currently have my fan on high right up to the end of my bed facing on me. It hasn't cooled down nearly enough and I don't enjoy sweating while I sleep. Mental note...buy a better fan for my room. Tomorrow it is supposed to be up over 100 degrees.

Not. Good. Times.

Music vs. The Savage Beast

Music is a lovely thing. It can transport me to a different place or conjure up memories of times gone by. That can be either a blessing or a curse depending on the particular memory. Some songs are so soulful, so poignant that they induce an ache, a yearning felt deep within without any memory attached at all. Or perhaps it brings forth emotions, dreams or desires I had forgotten about.

Just a Thought

Lately, I have felt a renewed sense of hope. For a long time I was so caught up in the quagmire that had become my life that I could not see a way out of my current existence. But, I am happy to report that I have turned a corner. I feel more hopeful about things. I guess I had lost my hopes and dreams a long time ago without even realizing it. I don’t know why exactly. They say that without hope we have nothing. Although, I didn’t exactly have nothing, I certainly didn’t see a future bright. I saw it stretching endlessly before me with nothing to look forward to. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that there will be nothing in life but sunshine and rainbows, I do believe now that I will have a life. I won’t live vicariously through my children. I believe that I will have experiences that are mine and not just an extension of something that I am doing for them. I have lived a long time with only their needs foremost in my mind. Which I know that is my job as a parent. But, this is my only life. Do I not deserve to be happy and fulfilled as well? Do we, when we become parents give up our right for happiness?

Ay! Caramba

I just had to share. I was on this particular type of medication for a couple of rowdy years months. I experienced some...nay many of the side effects.

To Dream

I fell in love today. Granted it was with an actor and everyone knows that Hollywood relationships don’t last. But, I trust this one will last just as long as I want it to. I watched a movie with Mark Ruffalo today called ‘My Life Without Me’. An indie filmed chronicling the last two months of a 23 year old woman’s life. Mark played a role that catapulted him from someone who I thought was adorable to my current husband. Sigh. I just wished that he wasn’t on location so much so that we could have some more ‘us’ time.

A Day in the Life...

The chatter around the office today has been kind of dull. A co-worker missed the latest episode of Lost (which I haven’t even seen one episode…I swear….I am not in the loop around here with tv shows. I am always the one going…no, I don’t watch that show…different strokes I suppose-did you see how I put the name of a tv show in there? Witty, huh?) Another co-worker went to the dentist to have some crowns replaced. Okay, I thought that I was the only one with horror stories from the dentist, but this sounds awful. They couldn’t get him numb for whatever reason. However, they proceeded to work on him. They tried for 2 yes 2 hours to wrestle the existing crowns off his teeth. Sawing, prying, using dental pliers..etc. My theory is this..if they are that difficult to remove, then maybe they don’t need replacing in the first place. But, what do I know. I didn’t let him finish telling me the story because I have a crown or two in my mouth and I don’t want to know about all that can go wrong with replacing them. I have a tendency to obsess and that is one bridge (see...a dental reference...I am on my game today!!) I would prefer to cross when the time comes.

Better Late.....

Okay, I know that this is quite late...but I had to put up quick video of our very first Halloween party spread that we threw last year. I cannot wait until this year! Yeah, Baby!!

Idle Hands

Gotta love washable markers. Good entertainment for your money!!

Cryptic for a Reason

Sometimes, life plays out in a way that is both shocking and yet not. Recently, I came across a bit of very useful information about someone that I know. This information evoked many emotions in me. Some of which were shock, disgust, elation and hope for a better future. Now, I know you may wonder how one bit of information could possibly have caused my emotions to run the gamut. The thing is, in this particular scenario there were three players involved. Well, actually two and one very innocent bystander. Without divulging too much information I will say that as far as the innocent bystander who was hurt in this scenario, I hope that this person has fully recovered and won’t remember a thing. The main player was unfortunately quite well known to me, and I hope that this person rots in hell gets their just desserts. As for the third player, I am unfamiliar with this person and can relate just a very little bit, although I think that someone should open a can o’ whoop ass and literally beat some sense into this person the punishment should fit the crime.

I have filed this information away and will apply it down the road in a future battle that I will be going through. Sometimes, just sometimes the universe gives me a little break.

Not By the Hair of My Chiny Chin Chin

I am sure that we have all seen our share of interesting people in cars. There’s the usual.

Like....

The nose picker

The make-up artist

The mom teetering on the edge of sanity with a van full of kids that have either missed nap time, are hungry or someone is looking at them that shouldn’t be.

Then there is my all time favorite the ‘important’ one who has their ear glued to the phone.

I have even seen the same man on two different occasions on my way to work shaving. Up until now, I would have to say that was the most unusual.

All of those before today fell to the wayside.

Let me paint a picture.

Black BMW (that in and of itself is a whole other post)

Approximate age…..early to mid 50’s.

Bleached Blond

Fake Bake Tan
Long talons nails
Every piece of jewelry she owns A whole lotta gold

I am sitting there, just trying to maintain my sanity as I sit in the endless traffic on my way to my less than fulfilling job. While waiting 30 3 minutes at a traffic light, I will sometimes take a gander at the mankind that surrounds me. I like to imagine their lives and wonder why they feel the need to drive like utter morons. I digress. Well, on this particular morning, as I glanced to my right I saw the blond.

She was…..

Wait for it…..

Patience grasshopper, it's really good…………………………

PLUCKING HER CHIN HAIRS!

Santa Maria!! Yes sir folks, plucking them with tweezers right there for the whole world to see. What is even more amazing is that she was doing it without even looking, just randomly going at her chin with the tweezers. She continued to do this after the light changed, cruising right along doing her grooming. Try as I might I was unable to get a picture of her. You have to know I was scrambling to get my phone out of my purse to get a shot. Unfortunately, that was the only light we were ever at together and she exited the expressway shortly after.

If or when the time comes that I must deal with chin hairs, it is my oath to the world, I will take care of that in the privacy of my own home.

Arise

No measure of mercy in pleasure or pain

The sin of omission is sin just the same

Visions of the future seen through broken glass

Shattered in pieces by mistakes of the past

A glimmer, a shimmer, a glint of hope's light

Enticing the Phoenix to arise and take flight

Spirit break free from shackles that bind

Renewal of heart, soul and mind

What If?

I watched the 1998 movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday. It was about the way her life may have played out if she had missed the train home vs. making the train. It wasn’t the best movie I have ever seen, but I really enjoyed it. Haven’t you ever wondered ‘what if’? A split second can change everything in your life. The smallest moment or decision can be a pivotal point. There are the obvious ones of course, like deciding to get behind the wheel after a couple of drinks at dinner or having unprotected sex. There are the ones that we don’t appear to have control over, like missing the train etc. Then there are the ever so subtle ones like ignoring that feeling in your gut or that small quiet voice inside your head. While I don’t want to go through life wondering about what could have been, I know that I have played that game more times than I care to count. The variables are just too mind boggling.

Caffine

I feel a bit like the walking dead right now. I have an allergy pill ‘hangover’ this morning. My body and mind is fatigued and yet I am a bit amped up from the effects of the one cup of coffee that I had this morning. Speedball anyone?

Drugs are the Devils Work

Warning!! this post is being written under the influence of Xanex and a Benedryl. It was not most well thought idea to take both medications at the same time. I am currently in the throes of a drug induced semi-coma. Which is actually far superior than the anxiety ridden angst I was experiencing just a short while ago. Said anxiety was intermingled with sneezing attacks, itchy water eyes and all the lovely things that accompany allergies. Please excuse all typos, ramblings and incoherent mutterings. I cannot be responsible in my current state.

I am about done with spring. I have done more than my fair of sneezing and itching the hell out of my eyes. Sometimes, they itch so bad that I feel that I have rubbed them raw. Nice! Besides, there is all that delicate tissue around the eyes, and I mustn’t give myself premature wrinkles (quack). I am also awoken nightly by this lovely itch that is somewhere inside my head. Okay, am I a just a freak and this only happens to me, or do other people experience it? It is located somewhere between my inner ear and near where my glands are at the base of my jaw and in my throat. It is so frustrating. There is no way to relieve this itch other than with a large knitting needle perhaps?! I look like a person you would cross the street to get away from when I am experiencing what I shall refer to as an ‘episode’. If you have ever seen the original Odd Couple movie with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau you know what I am talking about. When Felix’s allergies start to get the better of him he starts making faces and noises to get some relief. They are hilarious when someone else is doing them, but a real pain in the ass when they are happening to you. I am not quite as bad…but it’s not a pleasant sight.

I am currently seeing double and fading fast, so tis time to get my arse into full coma mode. Asta.

Noob

Couldn't you just eat her up?

Back in the Day

My Favorite Ankle Biters

Hawaiian Style