Not Always Pretty on the Inside

Emotions are Not Always Pretty. I am the first to admit that I don’t take kindly to change. That is unfortunate as the world and everything in it is continually changing. I somewhere along the line became quite resistant to change and that has been detrimental to my well being. It’s hard to move onto the unknown that is coupled with change most times. Living in fear of the unknown has kept my mentally, and physically in a place that isn’t healthy.

Also, I have found that I have been plagued by feelings of indecisiveness for a long time. Something as simple as ordering off a menu can be a time consuming process. I think that these emotions are probably indicative of deeper issues. I am hoping with some self-realization and introspection I can determine where these emotions stem from. Perhaps some therapy is in order…or maybe just copious amounts of anti-psychotics.

I hope that I experience a metamorphous. I hope that my life for the last several years has been me…in a cocoon healing and learning from the trauma that occurred in my life and past mistakes. I think that I have a better idea of what I want to accomplish, and the person that I want to be. Now, just bring those thoughts and ideas to fruition…

What an Obnoxious Emotion

This was a weekend chock full of feelings of inadequacy. I would say that I have those feelings on most days…but it was magnified this weekend. I just had instance upon instance of the feeling that I don’t measure up and I don’t fit in. I try to not compare myself to others…really I do. There are days though that try as I might, I just can’t help it.

Just a Thought

Lately, I have felt a renewed sense of hope. For a long time I was so caught up in the quagmire that had become my life that I could not see a way out of my current existence. But, I am happy to report that I have turned a corner. I feel more hopeful about things. I guess I had lost my hopes and dreams a long time ago without even realizing it. I don’t know why exactly. They say that without hope we have nothing. Although, I didn’t exactly have nothing, I certainly didn’t see a future bright. I saw it stretching endlessly before me with nothing to look forward to. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that there will be nothing in life but sunshine and rainbows, I do believe now that I will have a life. I won’t live vicariously through my children. I believe that I will have experiences that are mine and not just an extension of something that I am doing for them. I have lived a long time with only their needs foremost in my mind. Which I know that is my job as a parent. But, this is my only life. Do I not deserve to be happy and fulfilled as well? Do we, when we become parents give up our right for happiness?

Cryptic for a Reason

Sometimes, life plays out in a way that is both shocking and yet not. Recently, I came across a bit of very useful information about someone that I know. This information evoked many emotions in me. Some of which were shock, disgust, elation and hope for a better future. Now, I know you may wonder how one bit of information could possibly have caused my emotions to run the gamut. The thing is, in this particular scenario there were three players involved. Well, actually two and one very innocent bystander. Without divulging too much information I will say that as far as the innocent bystander who was hurt in this scenario, I hope that this person has fully recovered and won’t remember a thing. The main player was unfortunately quite well known to me, and I hope that this person rots in hell gets their just desserts. As for the third player, I am unfamiliar with this person and can relate just a very little bit, although I think that someone should open a can o’ whoop ass and literally beat some sense into this person the punishment should fit the crime.

I have filed this information away and will apply it down the road in a future battle that I will be going through. Sometimes, just sometimes the universe gives me a little break.

Changes

I’ve heard told that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. I don’t know if that makes you insane, or just really stupid. Either way, I am part of that group of folks who goes about their daily business, bitching and moaning about the state of my affairs and yet making no moves to really change things. I find it a struggle for the most part just to keep the status quo. I don’t often have the energy, time, money or perseverance to embark on a life changing experience. However, my personal life is not at all what I want for myself. I long for so much more. So, I am making some changes….very personal changes that I won’t go into right now, but changes that I believe will impact my life in positive manor in the years to come. I wish that this could be a financial change for the better…but all in good time. Baby Steps.

Golden Years

I volunteered at a senior center yesterday. I helped to serve and clean up lunch for the seniors. They usually have some sort of ‘entertainment’ there during their Wednesday lunches and yesterday it was story day. Some of the people there told a story that meant something to them.

One man’s turn at the mic in particular touched me. The story started out benignly enough. It was about him going to the store for his wife to pick up a few things and how thankful he was for the invention of the cell phone. He said that without it he would undoubtedly be in trouble for getting the wrong thing or perhaps forgetting something all together. Then he started talking about how as he was meandering down the aisles searching for the very specific food on the list his mind was churning. Wondering, worrying…has he provided enough for his wife, will they have enough money to make it through their golden years, could he have been a better husband, father, friend and employee? Has he always done the best he could for his family, etc? We are kindred spirits when it comes to this subject. I guess I was hoping that there would be a point in time that those worries would abate. He spoke in the end of ‘gentling’ his thoughts. I thought that was a lovely way to refer to it. Particularly because we are often our harshest critics, and I know that I personally could stand to be a little gentler with myself.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Okay, so I am one of those that tend to beat myself up unmercifully about past mistakes. I don’t care if these mistakes occurred decades ago (yes, I am just that old) you can bet that when they cross my mind self-degradation occurs. It’s an everyday struggle to let the past go. I recently realized that all the talk about forgiving yourself and loving yourself may actually hold some merit. How can a person truly be ‘in the now’, if they are forever trying to reinvent their past?

Can So Totally Relate

I heard this in a movie I saw the other day:


"I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what part of it belonged to me"


'nuff said.

Current Favorite Saying

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past"

It says so much with so little.

Thanks DK